You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
