i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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