I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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