I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
