everyone is single if you try hard enough
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
