John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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