I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Did you pee in the oven last night??
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
