We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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