so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
