Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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