So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
did you just send me my own nude
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
