i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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