I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
