I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
