May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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