My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
do herpes really smell.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
