Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
