he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
