My Higher Power is John Stamos
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
