so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
