It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize