u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize