note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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