I hate your face
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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