I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
