Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
