3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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