I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
