It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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