Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize