i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
