Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
