I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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