We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
