im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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