Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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