dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
