There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
