The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She told me I should be a condom model.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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