ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize