My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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