I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
PANTIES FOUND
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
