All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
