are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
