I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
