I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
