I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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