i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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