Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
