Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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