I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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