If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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