HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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