im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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