he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
