I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
