the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We got so high we made milksteak
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
