my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
