just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
