The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
