I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
