Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
