Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
