i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize